


Rude Awakening

by Janamelie



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26588503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie
Summary: Lister wakes up the morning after his birthday party and wishes he hadn't.Inspired by a Tumblr post about exactly which RD guest star would be the most embarrassing for Lister to have had an ill-advised one night stand with.  That's all I'm saying.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer, Dave Lister/Undisclosed
Comments: 16
Kudos: 23





	Rude Awakening

**Author's Note:**

  * For [felineranger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/gifts), [DownOnThePharm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/gifts).



> What can I say? This tickled me. :)
> 
> Thanks to both Felineranger for the Tumblr post which inspired this and DownOnThePharm for her additional comments which also helped.

Lister stirred slightly as he felt a body snuggling up to him. Must be Rimmer back from wherever-

“LISTER??!!!”

Jolting awake in shock at the sheer volume of Rimmer’s yell, Lister blinked and rubbed his eyes. He looked down at the arm wrapped casually around him. Decidedly NOT Rimmer.

“Lister, what the smegging smeg is going on?!” 

Lister gaped over his shoulder and let out a startled yelp of his own. “HOGEY?!” 

“Yes, humo?” Lister hadn’t realised a rogue droid COULD sound flirtatious. It rocketed instantly towards the top of his list of things he could have happily gone his entire life without ever knowing.

“Is THIS why you insisted on inviting him to your birthday party?!” Lister couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Rimmer so incandescent. His nostrils looked as though steam was about to erupt from them and his face was cycling through an assortment of expressions ranging from murderous rage to utter bewilderment to deep hurt and right back around to molten fury once more.

He tried to think through the hungover fog his brain was enveloped in. “Look Rimmer, I-”

“Don’t be angry, humo.” Hogey addressed Rimmer in a conciliatory tone, but didn’t remove his hand from Lister’s shoulder. “We can learn to share!”

“SHARE?!!!” Rimmer strode menacingly towards the opened out double lower bunk bed. “Let me tell you, miladdo, I don’t share Lister with anyone! Especially not a rogue droid with a terrible comb-over! I-”

Quick as a flash, “Hogey” transformed into a polymorph. Its sucker latched onto Rimmer’s forehead as it feasted on his anger.

“Rimmer!” Lister tried to sit up, but a wave of nausea sent him flopping back down to his pillow. He had REALLY overdone it last night.

He was too busy focussing on his suddenly churning stomach to resist immediately as - something - lay back down on the bed beside him.

“I thought a nice fry-up to soak up all that- MR LISTER?!!!” Kryten’s screech cut through Lister’s pounding head like a knife. There was the sound of a tray hitting the floor and a mug noisily smashing. 

“Look, it’s not-”

“HOW COULD YOU?!!!”

Lister suddenly realised it was no longer Hogey next to him on the bed. He peered warily to his left and groaned. “Oh SMEG-”

“There’s no cause for consternation, Mr Lister,” the polymorph intoned in Butler’s smarmy voice. “I’m sure we can all come to some kind of … understanding.”

“Understanding? UNDERSTANDING?!!!”

“Kryten-”

Far too incensed to pay attention, the mechanoid stomped towards them. 

“Butler” waved a condescending hand. “Look, Kryten. Clearly Mr Lister was looking for something he wasn’t getting from-”

“You have the colossal nerve to-” Kryten was almost rendered speechless, but recovered. “Mr Lister, if you were feeling the need to - to expand your horizons, you must know I … why would you-” Before he could finish his sentence, a sucker shot from “Butler”’s forehead and began to feed.

Finally galvanised, Lister dragged himself out of bed, groaning at the way his head throbbed in protest. “Rimmer, don’t just stand there! Help him!”

The hologram blinked owlishly at him from behind his newly acquired spectacles. “Well, I’m always prepared to help, David. But there are those who would argue that the polymorph is only doing what comes nat-”

“Oh, shut up!” Lister grabbed the nearest object and hit the polymorph with it as hard as he could. “Shoo! Smeg off!”

“What ees all thees din?” The real Hogey appeared in the doorway, looking as though he might be staring. Frankly, it was impossible to tell.

“Hogey, help me!” Lister continued batting at the creature, which suddenly twisted itself into a metal spring and bounced its coils out of the bunkroom before he could catch it. “Smeg!”

“What on Triton ees that?!”

“Something we need to fight. You want a duel, Hogey? Here’s your chance.”

The droid stood taller and whipped out his gun. “Lead the way, humo!”

“Are you all right, Krytes?” Grimacing, Lister decided to cut to the chase. “How are you feeling now about the idea of Butler and me … knocking knees?”

Serene blue eyes beamed calmly back at him. “Oh, absolutely fine by me, sir! Roger away to your heart’s content! I’ll bring you a bacon sandwich afterwards.”

“It took your jealousy.” Lister stifled the thought that this particular polymorph would have come in handy when Krissie had been around. “OK, you’re still basically you. Stay here and look after Rimmer while we find Cat.”

“Cat!” Lister shouted as he saw the feline in the corridor, looking uncharacteristically cowed. Rodon - or what looked like Rodon - was sneering contemptuously at him.

“Of course I’m not dead! You think your ragtag little crew could kill the Feral King? I knew I made the right decision leaving you behind all those years ago. You’re not cool and you never will be, you pathetic little dog!”

“Cat, no!” But Lister was too late. The feeler was already on Cat’s forehead. As they raced up, the polymorph became a dove and flew over their heads and around the corner.

“Cat, are you-” The question died on Lister’s lips as he beheld a familiar pudding bowl haircut, teeth like tombstones and a thermos and anorak. “Ah, smeg. Come back to the bunkroom with us. We’ve gotta think of a plan of attack.”

Duane nodded affably. “Anything you say. You’re cooler than me, after all. Everyone is.”

Lister sighed to himself as they headed back down the corridor, Duane somehow managing to stumble over nothing as he followed. He decided his first course of action would have to be a hair of the dog to get over this goited hangover.

He hadn’t even had breakfast yet and he was going to have to hunt down and kill a polymorph with the “help” of hippified versions of Rimmer and Kryten, a half-crazed rogue droid and the walking disaster area that was Duane Dibbley.

At least there was one upside, he comforted himself as they re-entered the bunkroom. The beard wasn’t ideal, but Rimmer’s arse did look smegging great in those tight shorts.

**Author's Note:**

> You didn't really think I was THAT depraved, did you? ;)
> 
> Special thanks to SugarCrystal, whose "The Boyfriend You've Always Wanted" influenced me a little in the writing of this, mostly the basic idea of Lister having to battle a shapeshifting creature before he's even woken up properly. I did consider an "Inspired By" link but I don't want it to be immediately obvious to readers that the situation isn't real, so take this as my recommendation. :) 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/11256528


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